Not bi polar, probably

Saw my very favorite therapist this week.  I have been seeing her for nearly two years.  And thankfully, she calmed my fears about being bi polar.

I did not realize how much that possible diagnosis was tearing me apart.  It took what I was feeling and multiplied it.  I could not get out of my head.  I was judging every moment and thinking to myself "is this what a bi polar person would do?"  Then things devolved until I was barely functioning.

I was reminded of my incredible support system, in friend and family form-  They helped me get by and reminded me that any diagnosis is just words.  That whatever I may be feeling about the words was getting in the way of who I actually am.

Sandy cleared that path in my brain.  The groundwork was laid by those who loved me and she cemented over everything in a clear and concise way.  She said "I have known you for a long time, and I really don't think you are bi polar."

And it was as if a switch flipped in my brain.  After that appointment, I seem to be handling things much better.  My constant state of "overwhelm" has decreased seriously.

I had been trying to be strong, trying not to go to therapy too much.  I want to be better, but going to therapy can make me feel like I am sick.  It is another reminder that I am "not normal."  But it is obvious that I still need to go regularly.  I can get my feet back, I can get strong again, I can work through this and come out on the other side, I need a little help.

It is difficult, realizing that I will probably be "dealing" with anxiety and depression for the rest of my life.  I may be on medication long term.  And while that does suck, it would suck a lot more if I was not taking care of myself.  And that is one of my goals for this year.  To put into practice the act of taking care of myself.  I deserve it and my girls deserve to have a role model that takes care of herself.

So, on we go.