I can breathe again. It has been almost a month since my mind finally started to clear.
Turns out I show up on the lower part of the bipolar spectrum. I have what is called "cyclothymia." Aka bipolar depression. This means I get cycles of lows, and lower lows without that highs... I might be more productive if I had regular highs~ But I am glad I do not.
Now that things are stabilizing, I have realized a couple of things. First- I did not recognize how much my mood changed on a daily basis. It was a constant roller coaster ride. I realize that is cliche, however, there is not better description. I would guess that on average I would go from happy, to anxious, to sad, to depressed and back 8 times a day. At least. Up until recently I had no idea that my mood could stay constant for longer periods of time. Hours, even days. Now I can feel myself going up (and watch myself going down) instead of being driven constantly by different moods.
I had a period of incredible control, energy, and hope. I have also had slips in my mood, but I don't think the point of being human is to be one note. I have big emotions. I just hope not to go as low as I had. I hope not to feel so disassociated from my own brain. My psych changed my meds up a little bit and that may be adding to the drop in general mood. Yet to be seen, a couple more weeks to know for sure.
But I see the sunshine now. I feel like through it all I have been a pretty good mother, considering. Not perfect obviously, but I never lost my true core as a mother- nurturing. That is one of the greatest gifts I have to give.
What I did lose, is a surprise to me. I have neglected my body and my skin and some of my friendships. I am trying to reconnect those parts. Reattach those strings that had been inadvertently severed as I huddled in my hermit cave.
It is hard to look in the mirror and see someone I don't fully recognize. And to still feel lost for energy and to feel my youth slipping away. Seeing it slip away. Seeing what HAS slipped away.
I am picking back up on the things I love- sewing, photography, music. I am trying to work on a healthier, less cluttered home life. That is a real struggle for me, but I am trying, a little at a time. At least every night I go to bed with a shining bathroom sink. That is about all I can do regularly right now.
Should it not be obvious, I am feeling a bit introspective and melancholy right now. But even with where I am at this very moment... I know I am better than I was. I know I can get back to a place of mental and physical health. It took me 10 years of muddling through, 4 years of pursing the question, and 2 years to find an answer. This is not an overnight fix. I so wish it was.
But I am one baby step closer.
